You took the first step. That matters.

Clinical label: Financial Imbalance is when shared expenses fall disproportionately on one partner while the other's spending goes unaccountable.

My story: The math doesn't math. Money came in but security never seemed to show up. No matter how much I made, I never quite felt like we were on solid ground financially. My income was used for all family expenses. His income was used for, well, I'm not sure what, but he sure went on more trips and saw more concerts than I did since I didn't do either of those things. The rule was I was to pay off family debt with my bonuses and he didn’t.

For you: Perhaps that was not a reflection of your ability or your math.

Clinical label: Economic Exploitation is when shared finances are used selectively to benefit one partner.

My story: We had joint accounts and he had his own accounts. My money went into the joint accounts. I remember a time when he was going to fly to a concert with his friend and asked me to put the entire cost on my credit card with the understanding that he and his friend would cover it later. His friend gave him the money for his share and he kept it. When I asked for it, he said it shouldn't matter because we share money. He never paid me back.

For you: What if the rules around money were never actually designed to be fair to you?

Clinical label: Financial Manipulation  is when a partner uses seemingly logical arguments to justify avoiding equal financial contribution.

My story: In both marriages my then-husbands had completely rational explanations for why I should pay the lion's share of everything. The father of my first child had two prior kids and paid child support. How could he be expected to contribute equally? The father of my second child decided he could only afford to contribute $1,200 a month to our family and didn't adjust it for over a decade, not when our family grew, not when prices went up, not when the bills increased.

For you: Reasonable explanations are not the same thing as fair ones.

Clinical label: Blame Shifting is when financial shortfalls are attributed to the victim regardless of actual cause.

My story: I was consistently told I was bad with money. He repeatedly said we should have much more than we ever did, implying it was my money management and not that he barely contributed. He worked four nights a week as a server, sometimes not even that. He made more than enough but kept the rest and only put in his $1,200 a month regardless of how much our family's needs grew. When I left corporate to build my coaching business our agreement was that he'd pick up a second job to help make up the difference. He lasted about three months, made everyone around him miserable about it, and kept that money too. I cashed out my retirement and pension to support the family. And instead of supporting me while I built my coaching business, he doubled down, telling me I wasn't contributing my part.

For you: Carrying the weight and getting blamed for what was missing are not the same as being the problem.

Clinical label: Unauthorized Debt is when debt is created in your name without genuine consent.

My story: My ex would have me put things on my credit card and then not help pay off the debt. We went shopping for an engagement ring. After much deliberation I finally decided between two options, one under $1,000 and one just over $2,000. He convinced me I deserved the more expensive one. When the salesperson rang it up I looked at my then fiancé, so excited about my ring. He said oh, I don't have that kind of money, you'll have to pay for it. I was so embarrassed that I handed over my credit card without saying a word.

For you: Debt that was created without your knowledge or through pressure or embarrassment is not debt you chose.

Clinical label: Financial Secrecy — When a partner conceals assets or income while benefiting from yours.

My story: When I was separating from my last husband he let me know he had $40,000 saved because he knew I'd eventually leave. Meanwhile he'd been perfectly comfortable watching me figure out how to support the family.

For you: One person knowing exactly what was in their accounts while you emptied yours is not an accident.

Clinical label: Financial Control  is when access to money is conditional or requires permission regardless of who is earning it.

My story: Financial control doesn't look the same on the outside but it feels exactly the same on the inside. For some women it means being required to work and hand over every paycheck, contributing income they never got to touch or make decisions about. For others it means not working outside the home, being completely dependent on a partner for every dollar, having to ask for money for groceries, gas, or basic needs, and being made to feel like a burden for asking. And then there's my version. I was the breadwinner who handled all the finances while also being required to provide a written accounting of every single purchase upon request. He wouldn't accept bank statements or take over the finances himself. And every month I had to chase him down for his share of the bills or ask permission for any purchase that wasn't a household bill. Three completely different pictures. One identical message: this money isn't really yours.

For you: Needing permission to access money you earned is not a normal dynamic in a healthy partnership.

Clinical label: Covert Spending is when hiding purchases becomes a survival strategy.

My story: I'm pretty sure I didn't bring anything into our house that hadn't been unboxed, detagged, removed from packaging, and made to look somewhat used. I learned early on that I shouldn't be buying anything that wasn't deemed a necessity by my partner. But in both marriages, they weren't willing to be aware of what it actually took to run a home.

For you: Hiding something you bought to stay safe is not dishonesty. It is adaptation.

Clinical label: Financial Burden Shifting is when one partner carries all financial responsibility while the other avoids it entirely.

My story: From budgeting to groceries to clothes for the kids to vacations, I carried the full financial burden while my partner stayed conveniently uninvolved except to criticize me and demand a financial accounting whenever he felt like it. I even offered to hand everything over to him so he could have real control and awareness. He refused every time.

For you: Saying yes because no felt dangerous is not generosity. It is survival.

Clinical label: Financial Monitoring is when ordinary purchases require justification or trigger punishment.

My story: My ex's mother loved holidays and her gift wrapping was out of this world. I don't think I bought a gift bag, wrapping paper, or bows for over a decade. I remember a huge blow-up fight that my ex started because I bought two organizing bins for wrapping supplies. Couldn't have cost more than $50. We needed them or we needed to give away a ton of supplies because it was out of hand.

For you: That guilt was not yours. It was placed there.

Clinical label: Financial Trauma Response is when self-denial around spending persists long after the abusive relationship ends.

My story: Whether it's a medical need or a six pack of underwear, I can talk myself out of any purchase that's just for me. I can't tell you how many times I've put something in my cart only to abandon it...online or in real life. My most recent purchase was six pairs of underwear and I slept on that decision before clicking buy.

For you: This is not who you are. This is what you were conditioned to believe about yourself.

Clinical label: Parental Financial Abuse is when a caregiver exploits a child's earnings or creates financial dependency.

My story: My mom took me to get my first job when I was 12. I've had a job ever since. I don't have a problem with kids learning to work. The problem was that she kept my paychecks...which I imagine were tiny. When I was 16 I was using my earnings to buy formula and diapers for my new brother. In my 20s I was "loaning" her money because she couldn't support herself. In my 30s she moved in with me to help me get through my divorce and didn't work until I finally made her leave over a decade later.

For you: What you learned about money and your own worth may have started long before your adult relationships did.

Clinical label: Financial Gaslighting is when a false narrative about your money competence is used to diminish and control you.

My story: A few years ago I was talking to my sister about how I'm bad with money and how it has held me back. She said, quite frustrated, would you stop saying you're bad with money. That's just a story that was used to control you. You're not bad with money. She was right.  I mean, I can stretch a penny!

For you: That belief did not come from evidence. It came from someone who needed you to believe it.

Clinical label: Financial Shame is when internalized blame creates lasting shame around money.

My story: After all of this it's still sometimes hard for me to talk openly because I still carry shadows of the belief that it's all my fault. Some days I still feel shame about not having a substantial retirement and sometimes having to choose carefully how I spend my money.

For you: A financial story built on shame is rarely the whole truth. It is usually someone else's version of it.

Clinical label: Financial Trauma is when the psychological impact of financial abuse persists despite active recovery work.

My story: I've done so much work around money and receiving. Somatic work, talk therapy, coaching, energy work, nervous system regulation. And still, when my therapist asked me to imagine buying 28 pairs of underwear at one time I couldn't even fathom it. It sounded like something only royalty might do.

For you: You are not broken. You are someone who has been carrying something that was never yours to carry alone.